a V@g's diary

Writing of witches and women


July 2016

The bittersweet rule of an apology

This morning, on Facebook, a friend of mine posted this quote by Robert Brault: “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got”. All of us at some point in life expected an apology from someone else. We hold our pain like a shield, thinking we own that “apology” to feel better, to make it fair. And maybe we too didn’t apologize as well when we should have done it. But, and this is my point, what is all this fuzz about a word? Does a single tiny “I’m sorry” really matter? Your pain won’t change. Your past won’t change. Nothing will be repaired by an apology. Nothing at all. If you break a cup and then you apologize to it saying aloud “I am sorry” while standing half naked in your kitchen, I am pretty sure that the cup will remain broken and if you are living with someone else they will start questioning your sanity. Same thing if after cheating on your spouse and leaving for the Caribbean with your fling, you go back to them to apologize. They wouldn’t care. What’s broken remains broken. If they would accept you back, they won’t do it cause you are sorry. They will do it for their own reasons. Whatever these may be. After my ex left me for another woman, I spent countless nights fantasizing about him coming back to me and saying he was wrong and he was sorry. It didn’t happen and for good. Because I moved on and now my life is better. Today, if my ex come back apologizing I wouldn’t care. That “apology” doesn’t matter anymore. We give to people the power to hurt us. We give them importance and we make them “matter”. But at a certain point, when we decide to take back that power, we change our life somehow. Waiting for an apology, thinking of owning an apology is digging into our pain and feeding our ego, is giving away our power; it’s a self- inflicted wound for which we blame others. My mother says often that it’s too easy saying you are sorry. And she is right. Offering an apology means nothing. If you really want to apologize with someone else you hurt, what you should do is trying to make things right. You repair to the wrong you have done not just with a word but with your actions. Any other way to apologize, it’s, well, just meaningless. I’ve seen so many times people apologizing to me for something they have done, and then, after a while, behaving in the same exact way. If not with me, with someone else, doesn’t matter. And I understood that, beside the fact that I am eventually surrounded by idiots, this was happening because they didn’t change. They were the same dudes, making the same mistakes over and over. I was changed. They weren’t. And those apologies were just a quick way to make themselves feel better. Maybe they were actually honest. Maybe they meant those “I am sorry”. But this doesn’t change anything. An apology is something we overuse. It is a precious gift when it comes with a real personal improvement. Otherwise it’s just a murmur that the wind easily blows away.

Love V@g


Did you just put yourself on sale?

Once I bought a pair of Prada boots on discount. Red, Italian leather, high heels. A crush. When I got them I couldn’t believe the price tag. I thought I found my soul mate. My perfect shiny, every-day and any – occasion heels.  I still have them of course. I had worn them twice. Maybe three times. I love them. Seriously, I really do. I just do not love them “enough”. You know which boots I really adore? My Doctor Martens ones. Bought them full price, when I was almost broke. I have been worn them for years. And I still do. Even if the leather is all wrecked. Even if the sole is full of patches. Even if the zip jams up more often than not. I have taken them to repair so many times that the cobbler is probably thinking of lending me money to buy new ones. So, what’s the point beside me having a serious obsession with a particular pair of black boots? Well, the point is that the same thing happens with people. You know, no matter what, no matter how posh it is, when you buy something on discount is just not the same thing. It’s cool. It gives you the chill. But it’s not you like buying your favorite Item, the one you saved money for months to afford. The one you were stalking every day after school or work. Your real soul mate. The discounted one is cute, maybe incredibly hot. But, it’s a discounted one. And it will always be just that. With people is the same. You got that friend that is always calling you and, well, you never call back. Or maybe you are that friend. People treat you like you teach them to treat you. If you act like a discounted bag bought at the street market, you will be treated like a discounted bag bought at the street market. Everybody have fallen at least ones into doormat mode. It’s just something you need to experience once in your life in order to avoid it for the rest of it. Cause you do not want to be that woman that always says yes, not matter what and no matter to who. See, I rarely compromise. And there is a reason: I have learned to put myself first. Whenever I have to take a decision I consider how it will affect my needs and my daily routine. Do I want to go out on a date on a Monday? I have kickboxing class on Monday. And, honestly, no matter how hot is the cutie that invites me out, I usually choose my class. Because it’s something I enjoy. And I usually apply the same “forma mentis” to any other decision. Even the important ones. Do I want to move to another city with my fiancé? How it will affect my career? Do I want to have kids? Do I want to (no freaking way) go camping with him and his friends? Do I want him to call me on my night out? (By the way, the answer to this question is a big fat no: no calls, no messages and no drama; I am an adult, not a kid that has to be patronized).

I am not an easy going gal. I know it. And I am fine with it. I don’t need to be easy going. I am posh with high standard. I pretend respect. And I honestly prefer to be alone, with my cat and my stuff to do that surrounded by scams.

See, I have learnt (in the harsh way) that compromise must come from both sides. I can compromise if the other part does the same. We could discuss something and find the best solution for both. This is compromise. Accepting that someone else’s needs come before mine is a capitulation! I do not accept something that is good only for someone else. It is not love and it is not friendship. It is having no standard and no self – respect. Like a doormat. Or, a discounted bag. And once you kneel to it, you can’t go back. If you run every time he calls you, next thing you’ll do is organizing your entire routine around his needs. And what about your needs? Maybe you want to go out with your friends. Maybe you just want to spend the evening at home, with a cup of tea and face mask. Maybe there is that cool movie you want to see, but he doesn’t… so what will be next? How many things will you sacrifice? Will you stop to wear red if he doesn’t like it? Or will you give up your career cause he wants you stay home with the kids? Or maybe will you just loose contacts with all your friends cause, well, he needs you (cooking, laundry and occasionally a blow job or two? That’s tiring!). Let me tell you straight. You are the one that put the price on your tag. Be careful what you choose to be.



Nice to meet you, I’m V@g…

Can we start from a postulate? We, women, are not men. We are similar and different at the same time. And it’s ok. We don’t need to be the same. We don’t need to feel superior. We don’t need to prove it. And also, let’s forget for a moment all the BS about who is the best between the sexes (seriously it sounds like a sort of boyish “which one is the longest” – competition in a suburbs junior high school.)

Let’s step aside and let’s talk about what women want. Because we think we know well what we don’t want (the so many “I am fine” that we repeat on a daily basis… sound familiar?), but honestly I am not sure we know what we want. Not all of us and for sure not all the time. Do we want sex? Do we prefer a pair of shoes? What do we mean with “it’s ok”? How boring is the period? How scary is the “change”? Are we really interested in love? Do we believe in making a career? What’s the idea we have of travelling solo? Are we scared to be alone? And, for those that are alone, how’s life? Botox anybody? And hormones? Are you “situated” down there? Isn’t painful? Do we want to travel? Public restrooms are a drama, isn’t it? Live in another city? Sex – chatting, sex – dating and kinky gadgets? Why do we cry right before THAT day? And why do we always feel like we are pregnant? Do we really have to choose who we want to be? Can we dare to picture ourselves free?

I remember my mother, when I was a girl just starting university, she told me that I had to choose between a career and a family. I believed her. Now, that my twenties have passed and my thirties are over, I wonder if that was true.  And I wonder, what if she would have told me “you can have it all”? What would have happened if…? We, women, are funny creatures. We look for security in every possible fields of our existence but we know – deeply we know – that this is not a winning technique. We are believed to be fragile but we are so strong. We are considered sweet but we can be savage. We are told to be prude, but we love sex. At least, most of the time. We are pictured like a bunch of cats jealous of one another, but we build such a strong and life – long relationship with our girls. So, who we are? What we want? Do we have models that could inspire us? Are there roles that can be revisited?

Honestly, I don’t believe in any of the classic stereotypes that society loves to saddle us with. The honey muffin all into fashion and love, the Men destroyer that is just eating culture and pooping feminism, the whore that loves sex, the gal that is looking to become a mother the sooner the better.

We are all of them and none at the same time. We can follow a diet plan and love a shade of pink without feeling objects or objectified. We can talk about love without being naïve. We could talk about fashion and gossip today and arguing about social economy and astrophysics tomorrow. We can choose to be single and sexual active without feeling guilty. We can be divorced mothers that want to re-build themselves and fight back the ageism with which society is trying to muffle us, or we can be happily married but still searching for ourselves. We can even be without children and feeling perfectly ok with that.

Cause, girls: it’s ok. We are fine, we will be fine. We will be great. In any case.



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